Shrek

Shrek, you all know him, you all love him. Unless you're fucking inbred or some shit but that doesn't matter. The big green cunt has been wandering this hellish world for ages, and is currently the rightful heir to the Saudi Arabian throne. But anyways, onto his biography.

Birth: The Day God Cried
It was on April 20th, 1889 when the world was irreversibly fucked forever. In a gas station 40 miles west of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, emerging from a tumor-like sac on the wall, emerged God's mistake. Everyone within the gas station committed suicide out of trauma from witnessing said event, so to put it bluntly we don't know shit about him shortly after his birth. He later recessed to the swamps of Louisiana, where he was raised by a tribe of Gonorrhea worshippers.

Childhood: The Ruse Continues
Shrek was exposed to the Gonorrhea worshipper's... odd ideas. They lived by such principles as "if you don't jiggle then you get the pickle" or "the pig is on the hill." However, the lesson Shrek mostly learned in his boyhood, was the value of onions. Shrek, due to his frequent incursions into New Orleans to sell chicken urethras to the denizens learned from an alchemist named Chadrick Higglesworth how to convert onions into crystal meth. After time-traveling ATF agents raided the gonorrhea worshippers' compound due to somehow containing nuclear weapons in 1904 lol what the fuck. Shrek then began his lucrative business of selling """bloomin' onions""" to people on the streets of Nawlins. Within weeks, he had earned enough money to finance his relocation to  Mittelafrika  because he felt like it or some shit I don't know.

Early Adulthood: The Mittelafrikan Chronicles
Shrek, during the aftermath of the Weltkrieg, [he froze himself in the freezer of his onion store for a decade and a half] decided to move to Mittelafrika in order to sell meth-infused onions to the locals. Somewhere in the Congo, he made the first of his many fuckbuddies, Hermann von Goring. While their many sexually explicit acts cannot be legally described here, the phrase "Pakistan expansion pack" has often been used in the context. Finally, after a mishap involving an onion, Goring died one of their many exploits. Shrek mourned for 40 days and nights, before returning to New Orleans. It was there, at an American Union State Rally he met his beloved... William Dudley Pelley.

Shit Gets Even More Disgusting
Pelley and Shrek were known to have an extremely violent, but close relationship. Pelley would allow Shrek to saw off his limbs with a hacksaw and then stick them into his trumpet-like ears. Pelley would then assault Shrek with his remaining limbs, and call him a "chubby bubby." Another was when Shrek would ########################################################right in Pelley's#############################################################just real nice and moist#################### scrunching and crunching###################piggy style.

Is it really a Downfall if he was never up to begin with?
However, while Shrek's relationship and his meth business were flourishing, the police were catching on quick. In a police raid lead by the Grunch, Pelley was fatally wounded after being shot in the Urethra with a .50 BFG 7 times, which despite him finding extremely pleasurable, killed him. Cradling Pelley's corpse, he whispered into his sweet little ears "it's never ogre." He then ate Pelley's corpse, so he would always be a part of him, and proceeded to do the little dilly dance, completing the ritual. As he entered his sarcophagus, he set it to awake him in the year 2019, in a different timeline. Finally, engraved on the sarcophagus was a poem - "Eighteen naked cowboys in the showers at Ram Ranch - big hard cocks wanting to be sucked - Eighteen naked cowboys wanting to be fucked." And with this, he stagnated, until...

The Resurgence
Shrek awoke recently, in this year of our lord, 2019. As of yet, it is unknown what his goals are, but whatever they are, they aren't fucking good. And with this, a merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night. JK for reading this you have contracted every form of cancer.